TMP RATING: 2/5

Darkness has settled over New York City as Shredder and his evil Foot Clan have an iron grip on everything from the police to the politicians. The future is grim until four unlikely outcast brothers rise from the sewers and discover their destiny as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Turtles must work with fearless reporter April O'Neil and her cameraman Vern Fenwick to save the city and unravel Shredder's diabolical plan.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a franchise I hold near and dear to my hear, given that I grew up watching the TV show and original movies; not to mention the abundance of action figures and toys I had. So I was very scared to see that the film was getting a reboot, especially after the TMNT CGI movie that came out a few years ago. And my heart sank, and almost ran for the razor blades when I saw Michael Bay was attached to the project.

Let me get my Michael Bay rant out of the way right now. Why does Michael Bay have to take all beloved franchises, wipe his ass with them, and then hand the fecal matter back to us, and expect us to be happy with it. Then he turns the twitter, or any or social media where he can start playing his violin of self pity. Bay's original plan for this film, was to title it Ninja Turtles, and make them aliens from outer space. Give me a break. This idea was so bad, that they even make a joke about it in the film. So thank God for fan backlash, that that particular film abortion didn't make it to screen. And for those of you out there who are saying, “Bay was only a producer on this film, so therefor you can't blame him for the end result.” YES I CAN. A person on the production personally told me that Michael Bay had his dick so far up Liebesman's ass, that he was the human puppet master, not letting Liebesman make any choices. Why hire a director, if you aren't going to let them direct. NOTE TO MICHAEL BAY: CREATE YOUR OWN FRANCHISES TO FUCK UP. LEAVE OUR CHILDHOOD ALONE.

Back to the movie...

To say that this film is a disappointment would be an understatement. But let's dissect this bitch one piece at a time. First and foremost, the faultiness of the film starts with the story. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were always “hip” to the current lingo, so I will let the obviously use of current styles and music go, and not complain about them. But these are turtles that are trained in ninjitsu...and and how did they learn it. From their Master Splinter of course. And were did Splinter learn it. He learned by watching his Master Hamato Yoshi right? Well, yes, but not in this version. He learns it from a Ninjitsu for Dummies book he finds floating down in the sewers. This just floored me.

From that point forward, anything else this story was going to throw at me, I didn't care for it. Those points alone lost this film a whole star in my eyes. And there isn't much more I'm going to say about the story, because the story is so stupid, it's barely worth mentioning. Shredder basically wants to control the world, so he's going to infect the world, and then make the government pay for him to cure everyone. That doesn't much sound like the Shredder I grew up with.

The acting and casting in this movie is a sad state of affairs. I mean, all I I need to say is they cast Johnny Knoxville as the voice of Leonardo. The guy who made a name for himself by getting hit in the balls, was cast in this film. GIVE ME A BREAK.

And let me move quickly to Megan Fox. After the public blow-up between her and Bay on the Transformers movies, I was needless to say, shocked that she was in this film. I guess she is pretty good on her knees, but that's neither hear nor there. Because I'm really not going to take too many shots at Megan Fox. That would be equivalent to picking a fight with a quadriplegic. A pretty unfair fight.

But the biggest reason I'm not going to rag on her, is because her performance in this film, is her best performance to date. Granted, that isn't saying much. But hey, at least it's something. And that one thing is the only nice thing I have to say about this film.

Congratulation Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...You've granted the world an actual good performance from Megan Fox. (INSERT GOLF CLAP HERE)

The CG in the film is over the top, but it has Bay written all over it, so I'm not too surprised. But the fact that Shredder was also CG is a decision I cannot wrap my mind around. The design of shredder is another thing I can't seem to understand. I mean the armor has blades that look like feathers on his hands...so I don't know what I think of more, Shreddy Krueger, or Robot Chicken. It's a toss up between them both.

Overall, this film was flawed from conception and should have been taken on a trip to the cinema abortion clinic. There is nothing in this film that has any redeemable value to them at all. If you really want to watch a movie, and have the feeling that you are watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, then watch the original films. Sure, even those have their flaws (not to mention the flaw that is the entirety of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III). But I would rather watch those on an endless loop till the end of time, then to actually have to see this movie again. And I've seen it twice, to do two reviews, and that is 4 hours I will never get back in my life.

Do yourself a favor, and stay far, far away from this film. It is a strong DO NOT RECOMMEND.

Till Next Time Kiddies...

-RJ